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Kissing Before Marriage and Other Questions Girls Ask

There are some questions that are easier to answer and easier to discuss when boys aren’t around.

This past Sunday our youth group kicked off the new school year with a girls only and a boys only fellowship.  The topic was

“Are There Boundaries in Boy/Girl Relationships?”

I had the privilege of speaking with the girls and helping them answer their questions from a Biblical perspective.

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About 20 girls showed up for this time of questions and answers.

Here are some of the questions the girls asked and a brief summary of how I/we answered them.

Is there is there one specific guy that God has predestined me to marry?

Too many girls worry that they have missed their chance because that one guy has slipped through their fingers, however the Bible never says that there is one predestined spouse for each person.

Rather than looking for the one guy that you’re supposed to marry look for that one type of guy who has a strong faith, Christian character and lives by the principles of God’s Word.

All my friends are getting married and I’m still alone. I’m afraid that I might never get married and be lonely for the rest of my life. What should I do?

This is a fear that many young women deal with but they don’t have to. When you fear loneliness you are saying that you don’t believe God can give you the companionship that you need, you are saying that God is not enough, you are saying that a husband can do for you what God can’t do for you.

The sad reality is that many girls would have been much happier if they didn’t rush into marriage with a man who was less than godly.

Instead of fearing loneliness learn to focus on building a deeper relationship with the God who is always by your side, start serving others, which will help you get your focus off of yourself.

Is it ok to kiss before we get married if we’re already engaged?

While the Bible doesn’t give specific instructions on kissing before marriage it is wise to wait.  The physical aspect of the relationship is meant for marriage and when young couples start pushing the limits it can quickly progress beyond a “harmless kiss”.

If we kiss before the wedding do we lose a blessing?

The best way to think of this is like a present. Say your parents bought you a new dress for Christmas. They wrapped it up and put it under the tree. You wanted to know what was under the wrapping paper so badly that you sneaked in at night and opened the present to take a peek.

You were excited to see the new dress, but you had to put it back in the box and pretend you never saw it.

When Christmas day comes around you once again open the present. You’re still excited to have your new dress but the initial euphoria has already passed.  You may even fake a little excitement so that your parents don’t know that you had already peaked at the gift.

No, kissing before marriage won’t ruin your future marriage, but it will change your experience as you stand at the wedding altar and share that “first” kiss!

~Christina

Question: What advice would you give to young girls who ask these question?

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Published on September 24, 2013 · Category: Ministry, Writing · Tags:

  • Shelley Magnussen

    When talking with young people about relationships, I say, “WHen you go out with someone, you are with one of two people, either your future spouse or someone else’s. If you don’t want to see someone holding and kissing your wife or husband, then set the same stadards for yourself and whoever you’re with.

    • http://sukofamily.org/ Christina Suko

      Hi, Shelley!
      Thanks for your comment! Great advice. Often people aren’t willing to hold themselves to the standards they have for others.

  • http://theregoi.com/ floyd

    I’m going to forward this to my wife and let her be the judge if I should send this on to all three of our girls! I love the advice. Thanks for being bold enough to share Truth.

    • http://sukofamily.org/ Christina Suko

      Floyd blessings to your three girls! We also have three girls, one of whom is already a teenager!

  • http://www.lifeofasteward.com Loren Pinilis

    It’s common for people to ask how far we can go without going too far. But instead, I’ve heard a better approach is to ask how pure we can be. It changes your perspective.

    • http://sukofamily.org/ Caleb

      It reminds me of how Isaiah’s perspective was changed in chapter 6 when he saw the Lord on his throne. All of a sudden he stopped thinking that he was good because he wasn’t as bad as others. I think its that same kind of perspective shift that young people need when it comes to dating.

    • http://sukofamily.org/ Christina Suko

      Good point Loren! I like to think of it this way, how far would you want your future spouse to go with another man or woman?

  • http://tcavey.blogspot.com/ TCAvey

    WOW, tough questions.

    I’m reminded of a story I heard this summer (not sure if it’s true). A kid asks if he can go watch an R rated movie. His rational to his mom is that it doesn’t have much violence or cussing- just a little.

    She tells him she will think about it while she makes the brownies. After the brownies are made she takes them to him. As he is eating, she says he can go to the movies- after all “it’s just a little violence- it won’t hurt anything. Look at you, there’s a just a little poop in those brownies and they are hurting you at all.”
    He spit the brownies out and decided not to see the movie-

    One of my sayings now is “there’s only a little poop in the brownies”.

    • http://sukofamily.org/ Christina Suko

      TC that is a great illustration! I was just thinking about making brownies too!

      • http://tcavey.blogspot.com/ TCAvey

        Bet they sound even “yummier” now- wink!

  • http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende

    Great answers!

    To many kids it might look like its easier for adults to doll out advice than it is to live it out while contending with hormones and everything else! :) But all adults were once teens and that helps…somewhat :)

    This is a needed word for the generation, thanks for sowing great seed.

    • http://sukofamily.org/ Christina Suko

      Isn’t that so true Ngina? Yet I know that when I was a teenager I didn’t always listen to the wisdom of my parents. Thankfully some of it got through!

      • http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende

        Thank God for the what sticks and stays! “small seed” makes big difference!

  • http://www.reflectionsfromthealley.org/ Dave Arnold

    Great post! It’s so important to answer young people’s questions about relationships & purity, especially with all of the junk in the media today.
    Good stuff!

    • http://sukofamily.org/ Christina Suko

      Thanks for your comment, Dave! It is difficult to counteract that media junk sometimes…

  • http://danblackonleadership.com/ Dan Black

    Great thoughts here! Showing young people the Truth found in the Bible about the opposite sex and relationships are so important. We need it more than ever in the media driven society.

    • http://sukofamily.org/ Christina Suko

      Amen, Dan! I completely agree!

  • http://sukofamily.org/ Caleb

    Wow, sounds like you have an interesting story to share about how you and your wife met. Thanks for sharing!

  • http://sukofamily.org/ Christina Suko

    Arlen, what you and your wife did was a very good move! It is better to err on the safe side than venture too close to the edge. But how did you manage to go places? Did you take two cars?

  • http://www.danerickson.net/ Dan Erickson

    No kissing before marriage seems pretty unlikely. These are good questions, but we also live in a completely different time and culture than the days when the Bible was written. I always find it difficult to compare modern culture with Biblical culture. Yes, we can consider Biblical values, but to attempt to try to live in the same way seems moot to me. On the other hand, I’ve known few girls who want to move way to fast and holding back on kissing would be a good thing.

    • http://sukofamily.org/ Christina Suko

      Dan, I agree that kissing before marriage is unlikely. What boundaries would you prefer your daughter to abide by when she is dating a guy?

      • http://www.danerickson.net/ Dan Erickson

        Ouch! You would ask THAT question. I’d prefer she not date until she’s 26, but I know that that’s not going to happen. I think setting places and times where the young couple can be monitored or chaperoned would be good.

        • http://sukofamily.org/ Caleb

          When it comes to my daughters arranged marriages are starting to sound better and better to me! ;)

          • dartmom

            Thanks for sharing this and your conviction on this. Our daughter just got married in May and had her first kiss at the altar so while unlikely it is possible. This did not happen by accident however. She was taught purity from an early age and decided that this is what she wanted. When her future husband asked her to spend time with him, she boldly told him that she didn’t do recreational dating and what her intentions were. He was like minded, so they worked at not being physical with each other and glorifying God in this way. They saw Him as a partner in their relationship. They say it was all worth the wait.

  • http://sparkvoice.wordpress.com/ DS

    Thanks for demonstrating courage in answering the questions countless people around the world need to hear answered from a faith perspective. Can’t tell you how much I appreciate the approach you’ve presented here.

    • http://sukofamily.org/ Caleb

      And if you have daughters, like we do, then you appreciate it all the more!

      • http://sparkvoice.wordpress.com/ DS

        Not daughters, but sons who I’ll want to find a God-fearing wife :)

  • Jean Courtier (WA, USA)

    There is definately a clear line. Married and not married. So anything before marriage with your “non-spouse” should be able to be done with other non-spouses when you are married. If once you’re married you don’t want your spouse to kiss others, you shouldn’t kiss if you’re not married.
    I also look at the heart desire. This is where the Bible speaks, the desire of the heart. There’s a reason you want to kiss, from a guys perspective, even before ever dating anyone, it wasn’t hard for me to figure out that there was absolutely no way that I could kiss a girl without lusting after her. So trying to think bigger picture of heart and lust and other motives usually helps to define the boundaries. Any boy or man would have a hard time convincing me that he can kiss his girlfriend without thinking about more than that.
    As my wife and I grew closer in our courtship/engagement we realized that we needed to get married sooner rather than later! I heard about another individual nearing his wedding date and finding it increasingly difficult to discipline himself. He moved across the state and called his fiance. He told her he’d meet her at the wedding 3 months away! No matter how we look at it, we need to evaluate our hearts and recognize sin as sin and fight drastically against it!

    • http://sukofamily.org/ Caleb

      I like how you put it, don’t do anything you wouldn’t do with any other “non-spouse”. With so much emphasis on do’s and don’ts it is important to emphasize the heart in all of this. After all you can keep all the rules and still sin in your heart. Thanks for the great comment Jean!