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The Secret to Why I’m More Attracted to My Wife Now Than I was 17 Years Ago!

This month Christina and I took an overnight trip to Victoria, BC to celebrate our 17th wedding anniversary.

While we were walking around the harbor I snapped this candid photo of Christina with my phone.

christina 17 yr anniversary-001I uploaded the photo to my Facebook wall with this description,

“Celebrating 17 years with this girl today!”

To my surprise within a couple of days it chocked up over 200 likes! When I noticed that it was getting a lot of likes I showed it to Christina and said,

“Can you believe how beautiful you are? Look at all the likes people are giving the photo of you!”

It was a moment that would have made any husband burst with pride. I mean, I know that Christina is beautiful and finally the rest of the world is realizing it too!

But then I began to think about it. Did my wife’s photo really get all those likes because she’s so beautiful?

Certainly she doesn’t look bad in the picture but this isn’t glamour shots, I mean she doesn’t have make-up on or an amazing outfit. She’s simply wearing a content smile, hoop earrings and her favorite fleece jacket!

So if it wasn’t because of sheer beauty, then why did the picture get so many likes?

Let me come back to that question later.

You see this photo also made me think about myself. When I married Christina 17 years ago I was attracted to her. Her face pleased my eye and her physical presence could make my heart pound and my mouth dry! We were both 19 years old on our wedding day, young and knowing little except that we were in love!

So Christina was 19 and beautiful when we married and now five kids and thousands of poopy diapers later her beauty has not faded nor has my attraction to her waned, not even an inch!

The truth is I’m far more attracted to Christina today than I was 17 years ago when I looked into her teenage eyes and recited my vows!

What’s my big secret?

Here’s what I’ve learned about attraction and I want to share with you. Please read the next sentence very carefully!

Attraction has little to do with physical beauty and everything to do with values!

That’s it, that’s my secret and that’s why I’m more attracted to Christina today than I was 17 years ago or even than I was last year.

You see it’s really our values that determine what we are attracted to.

Do you value cars? Then you’ll be attracted to cars, whether it’s restoring an old car or purchasing a new luxury car, that’s what you’ll be attracted to!

Do you value sports? Then you’ll be attracted to anything that has to do with your favorite sport. You’ll probably make time to play that sport and buy sports equipment and make plans to watch the championship game with your friends.

Do you value entertainment? Then you’ll be attracted to the latest movie that was just released or invest in a larger TV or a better speaker system.

Too often after seven or eight years of marriage spouses begin saying that they “fell out of love” that they’re just not attracted to each other any more  and other garbage like that!

So let me tell you the truth about why those men are no longer attracted to their wives. It’s because their values are messed up! They probably went into marriage assuming that their physically beautiful and attractive wife was going to always fulfill all their emotional and physical needs and urges!

Most likely their highest value is themselves and their own pleasure. As soon as they realized that marriage means self-sacrifice and putting aside what you want so that you can serve your wife and your family they grow discontent.

Discontentment kills attraction!

It blurs the vision and turns even the most beautiful wife into an unattractive woman. Make-up, designer clothes and diets won’t help in this situation. Attraction may start on the outside but it will only continue if we cultivate it on the inside.

Ultimately what we are attracted to finds it’s roots deep in our heart. So men, if you’re highest value is physical beauty you will eventually lose attraction for your wife. However, if you learn to value her as God values her then you have a chance of not only keeping that attraction but also making it grow.

I’m attracted to my wife today more than ever because I choose to value her second only to God in my life! She is my priority, my passion, my pursuit! I value her for who she is and I can tell you that she’s much more than just a beautiful face (although she is that too!)

  • I value her heart and my desire is to see her grow strong in her faith.
  • I value her mind and seek to give her opportunities to learn and grow.
  • I value her emotions and do my best to comfort her when she’s sad and laugh with her when she’s happy.
  • I value her body and work to ensure that the she is healthy and well taken care of.

I value my wife and that is why I am attracted to my wife!

Now that brings me back to what I started with, Christina’s photo on Facebook. I don’t want to put words in people’s mouths but I think those 200 plus people who “liked” Christina’s photo liked it not just because Christina is so amazingly beautiful.

I believe they liked it because of their values! They liked it because they know and value Christina. They liked it because they valued that we’ve been married for 17 years. They liked it because they saw the beautiful contentment of married life in Christina’s smile!

Question: What do you think creates attraction in a marriage?

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I am a pastor, missionary, and preacher of the Gospel of Jesus Christ in Ukraine since 2007. God blessed me with a wonderful wife and 5 amazing children!

My greatest passion is to teach, encourage, and exhort others to turn to Jesus, who is Savior, Lord, and God!

  • You guys are just pups! Sheesh! That makes me 25 years older than both of you and a “veteran” of 411 years of marriage. i say that because there is nothing to add to your post. Well said Caleb and congrats. (She is a beautiful lady outside but I am betting the inside is even more so).

    • Is that 411 years or is that a typo? Well even if it’s 41 years, that’s very commendable. We have a few years to go before we hit that awesome number! I’m already thinking about our 20th coming up in a few years. I think we’ll have to do something special. But, yes, you’re right we are still young pups relatively speaking. We’re both 36 years old but most people think I look about 10 years older than I really am.

      • Nope, no typo. I watched Back to the Future. 🙂 If God gives the health and the age I will be 71 when we celebrate our 50th. Jo will be 73. But don’t tell her i said that. I won’t tell you what they say about my age, bald head and all. Oops I think I gave it away. Congrats on the 17th Caleb.Make all your years special. Best thing you can give your children and “your church.”

  • Thank you for this beautiful post! It does my heart good to see people valuing marriage the way God intended for us to. I couldn’t agree more with everything that you said. The outward appearance is what initially attracts us to a person, but it is the heart that holds that attraction. Ben and I have been married for 21 years, and we can honestly say that we are more in love today than ever. We believe it is because of our spiritual growth. God has done a work in us that has made us more attractive to one another. Praise Him for that! Thanks for the great post!

    • Congrats on the 21 years for you and Ben. I’m looking forward to our 20th coming up in a few years! It’s great to see that you have the same experience as Christina and I in your marriage!

  • Floyd

    Awesome post and lesson! It’s about values that are provided by our Father for us to use for His glory. Wonderful tribute to your other half, my friend.

    • Thanks Floyd! I find writing posts like these are a great benefit to my marriage!

  • Christina is beautiful on the outside because she has an inner beauty that shines for all to see and that is because for so many years now the Holy Spirit indwells her. I was first attracted to my Mark because of his brains, and as well, he had a special quality about him that puts him head and shoulders above all the thousands of men I have ever met. He fascinates me and I never stop learning from his abundance of knowledge. We thank God every day that He has placed us with one another.

    • Maureen, isn’t it wonderful when God gives us that kind of joy in marriage? Thanks for sharing!

  • “Attraction has little to do with physical beauty and everything to do with values!”
    I so agree. What a beautiful wife you have–inside and outside.

  • Love this post and it reminded me of how important it is for me to value my wife more and more. Love this: “Attraction has little to do with physical beauty and everything to do with values!”

    • It’s a reminder we all need regularly! Thanks for sharing Dave!

  • Fantastic post Caleb! The same convictions and values is what attracted me to my wife. Her love for God, other people, and similar interests attracted and allowed us to stay together for 7 plus year. Thank you for a great read!

    • Congrats on 7 years already! Doesn’t time just fly by fast? And with kids it just speeds up even more! Thanks for sharing!

  • Lovely post with some wonderful things to take away and reflect on. Your wife is beautiful, though. She has a radiance about her beyond the remit of make-up and photoshop. 🙂

    • Hi Rachel, thank you for your kind words, Christina and I just celebrated 18 years together a couple of weeks ago and I’m so grateful the the love God has given us for each other, it continues to grow every year!

  • Johan

    Great post….I have been married for 30 years…recently we ran into troubled waters…my wife wants out…I am not giving up at all…one question …how do I rekindle that emotional attraction I once had without smothering her?

  • John

    It is God’s love that make her attractive, I am a newcomer in marriage, been 20 months with my wife and got an 11 months toddler. I never ever regret my marriage.

    • That’s awesome John!

  • Ray S.

    Yeah but just look at your wife. She is beautiful. Would you feel the same way if she had gained nearly 150 lbs? We men are visual first, God designed us that way. If your wife was fat you’d not have even taken the picture.

    • Good question Ray! Let’s put it another way. Theoretically, speaking what would happen if my wife’s appearance was changed because of some horrible accident or fire? Would it still be possible to have an attraction to her then? I think it would change in some ways how I look on her outward appearance and it may make it more difficult to look past it. However, as a husband I must value above all else her inward beauty, I must value her heart. For me the question is more, “what would happen if my wife stopped loving me, if she left the faith and turned to a life of sin?” For me that would be much worse than gaining 150 lbs and it would be much harder to stay attracted to her.

      • Ray S.

        That is a great response. I really did enjoy this post. I’m sorry if I came off as cynical. I was just wondering what would happen in a different situation. I am thinking about proposing and getting married soon and those thoughts enter my mind. You are a blessed man!

  • Andy

    Caleb, you are wise beyond your years. Many years ago when my wife and I were newlyweds, she asked me if I would still love her when she was old and fat. Without any hesitation I said yes, I would still love you. Jane and I recently celebrated our 30th anniversary. And, like you, I find my wife more attractive now than ever before. I married late (at 35) partly because my parents had a very unhappy marriage, largely due to my father’s philandering and abusiveness, and, partly because until I met Jane, there was no one I had met that I had enough in common with in the way of values and interests. We’ve had our ups and downs, but, over the years we have grown closer together. There has to be more than physical attraction to make it work in the long run. You are absolutely right about that.

    Love that lasts is more than a youthful passion. It is a deep and abiding commitment. There is a beautiful poem written by Thomas Moore over two centuries ago about that kind of loving commitment:

    Believe me, if all those endearing young charms,
    Which I gaze on so fondly today,
    Were to change by tomorrow, and fleet in my arms,
    Live fairy-gifts fading away,
    Thou wouldst still be adored, as this moment thou art,
    Let thy loveliness fade as it will,
    And around the dear ruin each wish of my heart
    Would entwine itself verdantly still.

    It is not while beauty and youth are thine own,
    And thy cheeks unprofaned by a tear,
    That the fervor and faith of a soul may be known,
    To which time will but make thee more dear!
    No, the heart that has truly loved never forgets,
    But as truly loves on to the close,
    As the sunflower turns on her god when he sets
    The same look which she turned when he rose!

    • Thank you for sharing your thoughts and this poem, it is very beautiful!